What? Really I don’t?

As a girl raised in a middle-class Catholic family, one of the biggest sins was to have a big head. One of the challenging dynamics in “girlhood”, when I was growing up was to not be too sure of yourself, too confident. This is definitely something I still struggle with, to this day. I remember the idea of being called a “show-off” was very insulting.

One of the things that drew me to acting was the idea that you get to be someone else. You get to transform yourself and your ways, to take on someone else’s world. This was very freeing for me. Being able to embody another person’s body language, or to explore how that person would express themselves is something I love to do....maybe because I don’t feel like I have to apologize for taking up space and I also can hide out in the characters world for a bit.

Some of the other ways I have hidden in the past are while I was in high school, hiding behind a heavy layer of fat. To insulate me, to hide myself. Partly to protect, to serve as a convenient invisible cloak to hide from others.

As I moved into adulthood, the layer no longer served me. As an actor, it became a trap. I couldn’t transform because I didn’t have a blank slate to start from. As I began to change the habits that lead to the heavy coat melting away, it brought on reactions that made me uncomfortable, sometimes nervous or embarrassed. As an actor, after a show, I always felt very vulnerable after a show, It felt awkward to hear people’s praise or enthusiasm, or criticism. It felt scary and brought up feelings about who am I to shine?

When I teach fitness, my attention is on the people in my class and I don’t feel like I am “showing off”.
When I am at a wedding or a dance party, I am interacting with others and I don't feel like a “show off”.
When I teach yoga I can easily move into a guide role and know that the yogi’s are focussing on their practice, so I don’t feel like I am on display.

The idea of “shining” the way Baron Baptiste describes in Journey into Power explains it, makes me feel like I have cheated myself and others by not allowing myself to shine. In his works “You don’t need permission to shine. That’s the biggest mistake we make in life; we think we need someone’s approval to be magnificent or to own what is true to us. But we are not only capable of radiating light and love, it is our moral responsibility.”

When I was an actor in Chicago, I audition for and got into the Yale School of Drama. At that same time, I was in therapy, and my therapist actually gave me her business card and wrote on the back of it, you have my permission to thrive and have fun at Yale! So it feels like Baron Baptiste is speaking directly to me with this quote.

I often take a step back so I am not overbearing.
Baptiste s father told him it “ you need to share your light with those around you”...I think maybe I don’t trust myself to shine and still stay compassionate to others?

I am a work in progress, a gal dedicated to my journey!
Inhale fill up, Exhale Shine on!